Save Whales—Eat More Imperial Dwarf Deer

By Piper Bayard and Jay Holmes*

Congress is once again distracted with partisan bickering so Bayard & Holmes are once again stepping up to save the planet and strengthen the economy while the politicians are busy doing their Power Dance.

Currently, the International Whaling Commission has a moratorium on commercial whaling. This applies to all nations, except the nations that choose to ignore it. Japan chooses to ignore it by issuing whalers Scientific Research Permits, allowing them to kill 1,035 whales each year. Of course, as soon as they are finished scientifically inspecting the animal they have landed and confirming that it is, indeed, a whale, they are free to sell it on the market as food. “They” in this instance are the big fish in the Japanese fishing industry. As a result, the Japanese slaughtered over 12,000 whales—minke, fin, humpback, and even sperm whales—between 1988 and 2009 alone. . . . Hold that thought.

Today we introduce the Imperial Dwarf Deer.

Muskrat Alan D. Wilson wikimedia

Imperial Dwarf Deer, photo by Alan D. Wilson of www.naturespicsonline.com

With the proper regulation of this soon-to-be-endangered species, we will not only save whales and other protected animals, we will strengthen the American economy by providing gangsters and lackadaisical teens with respectable, profitable employment that improves the environment and reduces the spread of disease. Allow us to explain.

The Imperial Dwarf Deer, commonly referred to as the “muskrat,” is about the size of a cottontail rabbit and carries the Bubonic Plague. They infest vast sections of America and Europe, destroying irrigation channels, waterways, dikes and levees with their burrowing. But let’s not be too hard on this rodent. It is the answer for saving endangered species and strengthening the economy.

Bayard & Holmes sent a proposition to the UN that it should rename the muskrat the Imperial Dwarf Deer and see it placed on Endangered Species lists across the globe. This proposition includes the establishment of the International Imperial Dwarf Deer Commission, which would immediately whip up a moratorium treaty outlawing hunting of the little varmint.

As soon is the Imperial Dwarf Deer is officially listed as an Endangered Species, making it chic and extremely expensive, certain benefits are sure to follow.

  • Imperial Dwarf Deer will replace the whale as the most coveted illegal food source in Asia, and every posh restaurant in Japan will want to serve it as its Imperial Special. Whale sushi will be as yesterday as MySpace.
  • Everyone in Las Vegas will want one for a pet.
  • Rebellious teenagers, delighted at the opportunity for a fun, safe, illegal activity, will clean up the waterways and learn a little work ethic while earning black market profit.
  • Gangsters will find Imperial Dwarf Deer hocking more profitable than illegal drugs, transforming them from Drug Lords to Imperial Dwarf Deer Lords.
  • America and Europe will wrestle the “faux fur” market from China, pushing Imperial Dwarf Deer hides as superior to the raccoon dog skins currently being used in the clothing industry.

Listing the Imperial Dwarf Deer as Endangered will also save Siberian tigers and rhinoceros from ending up in oriental medicines. Bayard & Holmes already sent representatives to the likely heads of the International Imperial Dwarf Deer Commission, appealing to them to issue 20 million Scientific Research Permits to the nations of Japan and China, specifically for the development of holistic remedies.

The Asian herbal medication moguls will work closely with the University of East Anglia in the UK, famous for its cutting-edge global warming research, to produce ridiculous but convenient proof that the genitalia of the Imperial Dwarf Deer not only acts as an aphrodisiac, but is more effective than both tiger penis and rhino horn at stimulating penis growth in human males. It has the added benefit of not stimulating penis growth in human females.

Altogether, renaming the muskrat the Imperial Dwarf Deer and listing it as an Endangered Species will save whales, protect tigers and rhinos, eliminate a plague rat from our waterways, clean up our irrigation canals, and end the destruction of the critically important dikes and levees in coastal Europe while providing responsible, yet illegal, employment for American teenagers and Imperial Dwarf Deer Lords. So remember tonight . . .

Imperial Dwarf Deer dinner JAGO at Wikimedia Commons

Image by JAGO at Wikimedia Commons

Imperial Dwarf Deer . . . It’s what’s for dinner!

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

*‘Jay Holmes’, is an intelligence veteran of the Cold War and remains an anonymous member of the intelligence community. His writing partner, Piper Bayard, is the public face of their partnership.

Bayard and Holmes blog at Bayard & Holmes. You may contact them in blog comments, on Twitter at@piperbayard, on Facebook at Piper Bayard, or by email at piperbayard@yahoo.com.

© 2013 Jay Holmes. All content on this page is protected by copyright. If you would like to use any part of this, please contact us at the above links to request permission.

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